On leaving Toronto
I think this photo was taken by Scott Bergen
When I was trying decide whether or not I should take this new job with MCC, I had a thought: “If moving was the right thing to do, I wouldn’t feel this upset about it.” I was distraught at the idea of leaving Toronto, and was trying to give myself excuses to stay.
Of course that logic is ridiculous. For one thing there are very few situations where there is one “right” path to choose (thanks Maria for reminding me of that). And for another, the “right” choice often doesn’t feel any good at all until you’re on the other side.
I remember a lot of crying when it came time for me to leave Winnipeg. I had lived there for five years, made a lot of good friends and had fallen in love with the city (yes, really). I think I was so teary upon arrival in Toronto that my mom was actually a little afraid to leave me there. And even five months in, I still didn’t feel at home.
But now, the thought of leaving Toronto upsets me just as much as arriving ever did, probably more. (I’m pretty sure the only reason I haven’t had a teary melt down is that leaving still doesn’t feel real yet.) Something happened in my last two years here: I’m not sure how or when, but it became my home. One reason is the great friends I made here, another is the excitement that comes from living in a big city, and another is the church community I found here.
But maybe the biggest part is that I grew up here. I was not unhappy in Winnipeg, in fact I enjoyed myself for a lot of those five years. But it was when I got out on my own, made new friends and created a life for myself outside the CMU bubble that I realized how much happier I could be. Sometimes things that feel almost to sappy to say are also the most true — I became me in this city.
All that’s to say that if leaving your home doesn’t stir up some sadness, you’re not doing it right. If you’ve lived an exciting life and taken in a place to the fullest, then leaving it should break your heart. If you’ve taken advantage of the people, culture and community of a city, you should feel crushed when your plane pulls away from the gate. And right now I’m feeling plenty crushed. But that doesn’t mean leaving is a bad decision.
If I hadn’t left Winnipeg I wouldn’t have the job I have, the friends I made or the confidence I found from forcing myself to start over again. So who’s to say something equally great isn’t waiting for me once again?
emily ruth adventures 
Emily, I can sooooooooo relate to these feelings, having gone through a similar moving away from and back to Winnipeg experience. Seriously, I could have written this myself (well no, actually I couldn’t, because I don’t have that kind of writing talent, but you know what I mean!). That second-last paragraph is especially true and so well-put. I wish you all the best with this difficult but exciting transition! (And it’s okay if it doesn’t feel exciting and also okay if you keep crying for months after you arrive).
-Ang BP
Thanks Ang! I remember you writing a similar post when you guys moved back to Winnipeg. I guess it’s a common feeling for people who move around a lot.
I remember moving from Wpg to BC in 1989. The moving van was loaded and I was about to start the drive to Vancouver to start my law career with a big downtown law firm. I stood in our empty house and cried, in fact, i wepted. What the hell was I doing to my family uprooting them from Wpg for a job in BC. It was with a heavy heart that I started the drive. But God has a way of working with the decisions we make and turning them into positive experiences. I don’t know if moving to BC was the right decision but God worked with that decision and life has been good for me and our family. Things will work out Emily.